I can’t remember a time when I felt less my age than I do now. It wasn’t an instant transformation — I didn’t wake up one morning, remember it was my birthday and spend the rest of the day in the fetal position, sobbing quietly into my pillow. It’s been a more gradual change, an ever-increasing sense of doom, all wrapped up in layers of panic and denial. Continue reading →
Author / Baroness Buttercup
Lesbian Movie Rules
The lure of the lesbian movie. Who among us can resist?
The “us” I refer to would be other lesbians. I’m not trying to exclude anyone, but if I tossed that question out to the general public, a great many would say they have no problem resisting. And if I then explained that by “lesbian movie,” I mean the type of movie you go see in a theater and not the kind you bring up on your electronic viewing device of choice when you finally have the house to yourself for 15 minutes, all those who agreed that they’re tough not to watch, would move over to the “it’s no problem” camp.
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When It’s Better Not To Know What You Don’t Know
There are things I don’t know (I realize that’s a lot to spring on you right out of the gate and without any warning, but please save your shocked gasps and incredulous whispers for the comments section, thank you). Within that group are things I know I don’t know, like how string theory works and if it requires some kind of special quantum string or if any old string will do; and things I don’t know I don’t know … for instance, the amount of time one remains in “stealth mode” after taking one of the invisibility pills recently developed by a shadowy government agency. In order to know I don’t know that, I’d have to know if such a pill exists, and I don’t. So I can’t know what I don’t know because I’d have to know to know. Continue reading →
The Lesbian Rules & Regulations Manual
I got my new FALAGABATATA (Federal Agency of Lesbians and Gays and Bisexuals and Transgender and Transsexual Americans) membership card months ago, but didn’t get my copy of the Lesbian Rules & Regulations manual until today. I think it’s seriously time to invite the good people at Corporate Headquarters to join us here in the 21st century and maybe put the manual online … you know, like everyone else in the world already did years ago. Continue reading →
Schrödinger’s Joke
While filling my tank yesterday, I saw a woman leave the gas station’s attached convenience store carrying two enormous cups from the soda fountain. As she got closer she told the man at the pump next to mine that the drink he wanted wasn’t available, so she’d gotten him something else instead. Before he had a chance to reply, she slipped on something. She managed not to fall, but did instinctively raised her arms to maintain her balance, which caused her to squeeze one of the cups she was holding and sort of fling the other one a towards the man. He wasn’t hit by the refreshing airborne beverage, but a fair portion of the squashed soda did end up on her.
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Adulthood: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
When you’re a kid you can’t wait to be an adult so you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, no matter what anyone else says. Through a child’s eyes, adulthood looks like a magical world of freedoms, the likes of which they can only dream … drinking milk straight from the carton, bringing a jacket when it is cold and not because it might get cold and the end of being dragged to places and events when you’d rather be just about anywhere else.
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Anything Can Happen Sunday – Yearbooks
While looking for Anything Can Happen Sunday inspiration, I came across all my middle school and high school year books. I thought they were deeply buried in storage somewhere, but obviously I was wrong. And what better way to celebrate this happy find, then to share some of it with you? And what better to share than the tradition of yearbook signing? Continue reading →
Jesus, Now With Super Powers!
You may not have noticed, but I have a tendency to be somewhat irreverent at times. It’s never done with any malicious intent, I’m perfectly capable of going full asshole when I choose to. But I do recognize that even when something is said or written for a laugh, there are those who either don’t get the joke or don’t think the topic at hand lends itself to jokery.
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Anything Can Happen Sunday – Monday Edition
One of the best aspects of JBACHINGTAWHS (Just Because Anything Can Happen Is No Guarantee That Anything Will Happen Sunday, formerly known as Anything Can Happen Sunday, or ACHS), is its flexibility. So, if on Sunday I were to close my eyes for a bit in an effort to vanquish a headache, only to wake up hours later with the day almost over and nothing written, it’s perfectly acceptable to open the publishing window a little wider and post Sunday’s story on Monday. Continue reading →
The Prize Patrol, Mormons and Jethro Tull
I’d love being the only one to have experienced some event or occurrence, so when someone interrupts my story to say, “I know how you feel. Something like that happened to me,” I can dramatically put my hand to my forehead and say, “That’s not the same. It’s not the same at all. The person in front of you only had eleven items! The one I was trapped behind had fourteen. Fourteen!” Then I’d clutch my pearls and say, “My heavens! I do believe I’ve got the vapors!” just before I collapsed onto that fainting couch I keep meaning to buy.
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Pucker Up Buttercup 