Jesus, Now With Super Powers!

You may not have noticed, but I have a tendency to be somewhat irreverent at times. It’s never done with any malicious intent, I’m perfectly capable of going full asshole when I choose to. But I do recognize that even when something is said or written for a laugh, there are those who either don’t get the joke or don’t think the topic at hand lends itself to jokery.

I feel bad for the latter group. Not because they’ve been offended, but because walking through life with such an enormous stick up one’s ass has to be fairly uncomfortable. And I imagine seeing the humor in any situation becomes exponentially more difficult as the size of the stick and/or the ass-depth to which it’s been inserted increases.

A couple of posts ago, I had a bit of fun with a couple of religions and their tactics. I’m not bothered by the door knocking — if I don’t want to be preached to or there’s something important on TV, perhaps a particularly engrossing infomercial, I simply don’t answer the door. I don’t typically poke fun at any specific religion, but since the the two I mentioned are the only ones I know of with door-to-door recruitment strategies, it would have been obvious who I meant even if I hadn’t used their brand name.

While I got no negative comments on the post in question, I still wondered if perhaps I’d offended anyone or hurt some feelings. It seems like we can’t go more than a couple of days without an actor, politician or high-ranking corporate exec explaining that whatever comment they made wasn’t intended the way it was received, and apologizing to anyone who was hurt or offended.

So if people at that level take it upon themselves to apologize after being warned by their PR people and high-priced attorneys that not doing so would be professional suicide, I know there was only one thing I could do: return to my practice of making sport of religions in a more generalized manner. Unless it’s Scientology. I think it’s a given that the only people who don’t make fun of Scientology are Scientologists.

It seems that in the past couple of years, there’s been a noticeable increase in the number of religion or faith based movies aimed at the mainstream — Noah, God’s Not Dead, Heaven Is For Real and Left Behind to name a few. I’ve also learned that in the summer of 2016 movie-goers will be treated to Left Behind II: Electric Bugaloo. Part of that title may or may not be real, but there really is a part two in the works. I don’t know if there’s a secondary rapture to collect the people who couldn’t get away from the office for the first one or if the people who did go are coming back, a la Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

With the general population’s increasing acceptance of religious movies and the over-whelming popularity of super-hero flicks, this seems like the perfect time to pitch my idea to some Hollywood types and cash in on some of that green.

Everyone knows the story of the crucifixion and there have been a number of movies about it. But my idea would answer the question of what would happen if Jesus not only performed miracles, but also had super powers?

The first part would follow fairly close to the Bible story, but once He’s up on the cross that’s when everything changes. He would start to get angry, not about being crucified, but by something He sees while He’s up there — maybe the mob is turning their attention toward His mom. It would have to be something where someone He loves is being threatened or abused. The more He sees, the more helpless He feels and the angrier He gets.

And that’s when it happens: Jesus Hulk! He reduces the cross to splinters and saves Mary, or the other Mary, or both. Then he goes looking for Pontius Pilate and the Romans to get some sweet, sweet revenge.Muscle Jesus Hulk Cropped

When one thinks of revenge, the first actor who comes to mind is Liam Neeson, because the only movies he makes anymore involve him tracking down and annihilating whoever hurt/kidnapped his daughter/wife. But Liam is getting a little long in the tooth to play a 33 year old guy, so the next obvious choice is Daniel Day-Lewis. He’s no spring chicken either, but the way he disappears into his characters, I’m sure he could do the manger scene and pull off playing The Baby Jesus. He’s that good.

His tendency to become the character could also be a liability though, because at any point in the filming he could actually ascend into Heaven and the whole production would have to be put on hold until he returned. If he returned …

I haven’t figured out all the roles yet, but I’m picturing Emma Watson as Mary Magdalene and Viola Davis as Jesus’ mom, Mary. Of course, God would almost certainly be played by Morgan Freeman. Because as the law states, if he’s available, the role of God, or any God-like character, has to be played by Morgan Freeman.


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