Single Status Marathon

My phone t0092 happy aloneweedled at me the other day. It attempts to communicate with me pretty regularly, using a variety of vocalizations; but I’ve yet to decipher its many chirps, pings and boops. For all I know, it could be rutting season and the phone is trying to attract a mate.

I didn’t recognize the little bing-bong as one of the regular sounds that mean nothing to me, and when I looked at the phone’s screen it simply read “22.” I thought it was either a default system message or something I’d added under the assumption that, unlike every password and PIN I set, I wouldn’t immediately forget what “22” signified. Continue reading →

Space Tribe Orgy

astronaut 2nd CircleWell would you look at that?! I can’t believe it’s shameless self-promotion time again. The days sure do fly by when you’re trying to find a way to call attention to yourself and your non-blog projects without appearing to be even more narcissistic than you’ve already revealed yourself to be. Fortunately, it occurred to me that if I replace my egocentric blathering with genuine admiration and a glowing review of another person’s work, in which I just happened to play a small part, I can ride her coat tails straight to The Land of Hey Look At Me!
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I’m Done Talking About My Age … Almost

0081 sally omalleyA few posts ago, I wrote a bit about aging and my struggle to accept the harsh reality that not only am I getting older every day, but that I’m going to continue to do so for the rest of my life..

Remember how long things used to take? The march to birthday number sixteen took forever, but finally getting your hands on that driver’s license was well worth it. And for a while, you didn’t even mind that you became to go-to person for family and household errands. You could have been handed a shopping list for a Immodium, Depends, Preparation-H, Vagisil, Ducolax, Pamprin, Lotrimin, Monistat, Odor Eaters, Stool Softener, Glycerine suppositories and a selection of douches from the Summer’s Eve Spring Fragrance collection, and you’d happily fill that order as long as you got to drive to the pharmacy to do it. Continue reading →

The Dating Game

0080 mystery dateIt’s pretty safe to say that anyone who’s currently single, or has been in the recent past, has tried or considered online dating. What used to be the punchline of jokes about desperate singles, has become the go-to method for meeting people — and the punchline for jokes about stalkers and catfish.

Some sites are geared toward a broad audience. They have millions of members, most of whom are who they claim to be on their profile and not predatory, psychopathic serial-killers (probably). They operate on the theory that of you throw enough rocks into a crowd, you’re bound to hit someone. Others are niche sights aimed at certain segments of the population, although not always accurately. I regularly get e-mails inviting me to join Black People Meet and Asian People Meet, despite being neither Black nor Asian.
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When It’s Better Not To Know What You Don’t Know

There are things I don’t know (I realize that’s a lot to spring on you right out of the gate and without any warning, but please save your shocked gasps and incredulous whispers for the comments section, thank you). Within that group are things I know I don’t know, like how string theory works and if it requires some kind of special quantum string or if any old string will do; and things I don’t know I don’t know … for instance, the amount of time one remains in “stealth mode” after taking one of the invisibility pills recently developed by a shadowy government agency. In order to know I don’t know that, I’d have to know if such a pill exists, and I don’t. So I can’t know what I don’t know because I’d have to know to know. Continue reading →

The Lesbian Rules & Regulations Manual

I got my new FALAGABATATA (Federal Agency of Lesbians and Gays and Bisexuals and Transgender and Transsexual Americans) membership card months ago, but didn’t get my copy of the Lesbian Rules & Regulations manual until today. I think it’s seriously time to invite the good people at Corporate Headquarters to join us here in the 21st century and maybe put the manual online … you know, like everyone else in the world already did years ago. Continue reading →

Schrödinger’s Joke

While filling my tank yesterday, I saw a woman leave the gas station’s attached convenience store carrying two enormous cups from the soda fountain. As she got closer she told the man at the pump next to mine that the drink he wanted wasn’t available, so she’d gotten him something else instead. Before he had a chance to reply, she slipped on something. She managed not to fall, but did instinctively raised her arms to maintain her balance, which caused her to squeeze one of the cups she was holding and sort of fling the other one a towards the man. He wasn’t hit by the refreshing airborne beverage, but a fair portion of the squashed soda did end up on her.
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Best Grass In The Barony

0062 estateAs the sun begins to set over the charming little village nestled in the rolling hills of my barony, I can usually be found on the balcony of my palatial country estate. More often than not, I’ll be joined by a handful of villagers or a few invited guests. There we’ll sit, talking and laughing, until the show begins. When that happens, the talking stops.
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Ain’t Nobody’s Business If I Do

More and more often I see or hear or read something that makes me feel like I’m getting increasingly bad at being a member of the gay community. For example, I don’t know even know if “the gay community” is still a thing. If it is, are the qualifications for membership still the same? And if it isn’t, then what group am I a member of?
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Why Isn’t There A Menopause Movie?

AAN3PYOne day, when I was in the 6th or 7th grade, the boys and the girls in my class were separated and shown “the film.” The main thing I remember about “the film” was that it didn’t live up to the hype. Unlike Red Asphalt, the movie we were shown a few years later in Driver’s Ed and which was very likely the cause of more than a few cases of PTSD.
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