The Dating Game

0080 mystery dateIt’s pretty safe to say that anyone who’s currently single, or has been in the recent past, has tried or considered online dating. What used to be the punchline of jokes about desperate singles, has become the go-to method for meeting people — and the punchline for jokes about stalkers and catfish.

Some sites are geared toward a broad audience. They have millions of members, most of whom are who they claim to be on their profile and not predatory, psychopathic serial-killers (probably). They operate on the theory that of you throw enough rocks into a crowd, you’re bound to hit someone. Others are niche sights aimed at certain segments of the population, although not always accurately. I regularly get e-mails inviting me to join Black People Meet and Asian People Meet, despite being neither Black nor Asian.

I tried a couple of lesbian dating sites years ago, but can’t remember what they were called, except for Lesbian Cougar Dating — don’t even ask, I was in crisis and not responsible for my actions. I also credit that crisis with my adventures on Adult Friend Finder which, once you get past the creep-factor is probably one of the more honest sites. There’s no question about why people are out there.

Currently, everything in my inbox is getting buried by the deluge of invitations from OurTime, which is aimed at mature singles. One of their big selling point is that “the OurTime website is refreshingly clean and well structured,” which is a nice way of saying “we use big fonts and buttons so your failing eyesight won’t hamper your search.” Basically, it’s the Jitter Bug phone of dating sites.

They also brag about having something for everyone, whether people are “looking for a long-term relationship, marriage, companionship or simply a pen pal.” I’m pretty sure “pen pal” is included in order to weed out people who are below the targeted age demographic, because only people 50 and older remember what a pen pal is. Rather than including young, whippersnapper terminology like “hook up” and “FWB,” OurTime instead does a 180 and appeals to those seeking “companionship,” which is elder-code for those who’ve lost the desire or ability to have sex.

e-Harmony uses a scientific approach to dating with its 29 dimensions of compatibility. Science may also have a role in securing their spokesperson, because I’m pretty sure the guy in the commercials claiming to be the founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, is actually the resurrected Orville Redenbacher.

Match and Plenty of Fish both claim to have the most dates and relationships. Obviously they both can’t be #1, so it seems they’ve applied the time-honored dating practice of exaggerating positive traits while concealing those that are less so. Perhaps a better slogan for either of them would be, “More people trust us to lie to them than any other dating site.”

I know that part of being successful in a crowded field like online dating depends a great deal on differentiating a product from the herd of similar products. But I think Christian Mingle is taking things a bit too far. Their slogan, “find God’s match for you,” makes a bold statement that I’m not certain they can back-up with any proof.

I could be wrong. Perhaps God decided that appearing on toast and tortillas, and communicating through flaming shrubbery0080 Cool Jesus has been done to death, and He’s finally made the leap into the Internet Age. And if that’s the case, more power to Him. The burning bush thing isn’t the most convenient method for passing along information, and it’s also fairly dangerous. Especially in places like Southern California, where years of drought have turned most of the place into a fire hazard.

I think it’s odd that He would choose a secular company like the Sparx Network to assist Him in making His plans known. But with their size and experience, it’s possible that they simply outbid the Christian organizations who wanted in on the project. So it’s also nice to know that, at least in business decisions, God doesn’t play favorites based on religion.

I’ve never read the Bible. I already know how the story ends, so there doesn’t seem to be much point to it. But I have utilized various search engines to find passages that contradict the ridiculous things Bible Bullies say to justify their bullshit. And no where on any of those search sites was I able to find anything about God requiring a paid membership in order to reveal a person’s soul mate.

I’m fairly certain God does His thing free of charge. But even if there is a cost involved, shouldn’t it be a fee instead of a membership? I mean, God pointing out your perfect match is a one-time thing, right? Or does one have to date a series of psychos and losers before the big reveal, so that God’s match seems even more awesome by comparison?

I also find it rather arrogant to assume God has nothing better to do than find us dates. In addition to helping people locate misplaced keys and ensuring that The Chosen athlete or team wins the competition in which he/she/they participate; should we really be asking God to also act as our divine wing-man or matchmaker?

Although, I suppose that would help answer the post-disaster/tragedy “why does God allow these things to happen?” question. He’s just too busy responding to the never ending flood of selfish, inconsequential prayers to get to all the big-ticket items. God didn’t “let” grandma die; He was just preoccupied with making sure the Seahawks won the Super Bowl.


  1. Ahahaha!! I love this post! 😀 But…Wait.. A site called Lesbian cougar dating exists? Does it allow young lesbians to find themselves a caring and experienced feline in the field? :p



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