You know that awkward moment when you go to the ER because one side of your face swells up and you think you have an abscessed tooth or the sinus infection from hell, and then they look at you and go, “No, it was a stroke.” And then you just stare at the doctor, for what feels like an eternity, waiting for the punchline. But then you remember that not everyone has the same dark, weird sense of humor that you do. So an ER doc probably isn’t just pulling your leg when he stays throwing around words like “stroke” and “admittance” and “observation.”
So, naturally, once I realized he wasn’t going to wink, tousle my hair and say, “I’m just joshin’ with ya. You’re fine! Now get out of here, you little skallywag!” I immediately asked, “Is it serious, doctor? Be straight with me, I can handle it.” Not really. That’s what I would have said if I were in a Lifetime movie of the week and needed to move the storyline along. What I did was laugh. Continue reading →
One afternoon, I was relaxing in the shade of one of the big trees on my country estate and watching some of the village children play on the hillside below.
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I woke up fat not long ago. Not Lifetime Network and TLC fighting for the rights to my story fat, but definitely heavier than I’ve ever been. And logically I know it happened over time, but the older I get, the faster time seems to fly. Remember how long it took to go from your 16 year milestone of getting a driver’s license to your 21 year milestone of being able to drink legally? Eons! I had to drink illegally for years just to cope with time’s refusal to hurry the hell up. Those were the slowest five years of my life. Do you know how long the most recent five years took to pass? About 37 minutes. At this rate I’ll be dead before I finish this post. Continue reading →
In terms of ups and downs, the past five years has been quite the roller-coaster ride — losing my wife, my house, my friends, my job, my car, etc. And during those downs times, I’ve been given a fair amount of advice. Some of it good and some obviously pulled directly from the asses of people with absolutely no clue what they were talking about.
There should be a saying like, “If the advice you’re about to give is a cliché, shut up.” I think the reason there isn’t, is because over time, most sayings will become cliché. So using this one would eventually, and ironically, be used to advise people not to use it. Then we’d all get stuck in an endless logic loop that would cause our brains to collapse like Carrie White’s house on Prom Night. Continue reading →
The Writing Challenge Of Indeterminate Duration – Day 12
The toy you most treasured.
I still have the first toy I ever got. I don’t remember much about getting it because I had just been born that morning and was more concerned with why I was no longer in the warm, floaty place and the manner by which I’d been extracted. Seriously, if you’re go to the trouble of putting in an exit, make sure it’s big enough to actually fit through. Continue reading →
The Writing Challenge Of Indeterminate Duration – Day 11
The closest experience you’ve ever had to having your life flash before your eyes.
The idea of one’s life flashing before their eyes always struck me as territory of people with a flair for the dramatic and a fondness for cliches. Lives take place on a continuum with experiences occurring in a linear fashion. Although we can typically think things faster than we can do them (e.g. thinking about making dinner vs actually making dinner), thinking thoughts still takes time. Even a flash takes time — not a long time, but time none the less.
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As a lesbian who hasn’t been in a relationship with a man since the late 80s, I can’t speak with the same authority on their fun-bits as I can about a woman’s. However, unlike hairspray usage and shoulder-pad size, it’s probably safe to say not much has evolved in certain areas since I last swung Continue reading →