If you woke up with a smile on your face and a feeling that today is special, it’s probably because you remembered that today is Anything Can Happen Sunday. Widely regarded as the best day in blogging, ACHS is a proud Pucker Up Buttercup tradition, the origins of which have been traced back as far as two weeks. When I tell you how we’re going to celebrate Anything Can Happen Sunday, you’ll be saying, “Gosh! I guess anything really can happen!”
While on an archaeological dig in my backyard storage shed, I came across what I can only describe as indescribable. A plastic storage tub that was thought to hold shoes, instead contained a collection of my documents, notebooks and journals spanning many years.
Today my friends, we’re taking a little trip in a time machine and going back to 1981! That was the year I was the feature editor of my high school newspaper and adopted the pen name Lola LaPlume, because apparently my weird aversion to using my given name goes back further than I thought.
So buckle up, hold on tight and remember to keep your hands and arms inside the post at all times.
How To Survive Homecoming
With homecoming just around the corner, Warren’s dating expert, Lola LaPlume, has consented to give The Justice an exclusive interview with tips on surviving this occasion.
First and most important, says Lola, “All girls want to go.” A lot of them don’t even care who they go with. They will accept any schlep’s offer as long as they can arrive with someone in a tux.
No matter how much a girl wants to go, a boy can’t ask her unless he notices her.
Here are a few ways to attract that special guy:
* Hurl yourself in front of his car.
* Leave a note in his locker containing your address, phone number, your picture and the color of your dress. Sign it “Your Secret Admirer.”
* Stand behind him an casually say, “I wanna go sooooo bad!”
Please avoid doing these things when trying to impress a boy:
* Offering him a sip of your Coke when there are hamburger floaters in it.
* Showing off by being the loudest burper in third period.
* Flashing him your winning smile when you just ate an Oreo.
When he finally does ask you, say, “Oh, I’d love to go!” Then faint … this will flatter him.
Remember,” says Lola, “Boys aren’t the only ones who can be schleps. We also have a lot of schlepettes in this world.”
Guys, if you are desperate you can ask one of these young ladies. You don’t have to marry this girl or even talk to her again.
When a boy is short on cash, a schlepette is his best bet as a date. She will settle for a hamburger for dinner. Although a nice girl, who is understanding, will not mind cruising through El Taco before the dance.
The difference between a nice girl and a schlepette, Lola tells us, is that the latter will wear high tops with her dress. A nice girl will only do that if they match.
Dinner can be one of the most difficult times of the evening. The following are a few hints to make it the romantic night it was meant to be:
* Do not drink from the finger bowl.
* A napkin is to be placed on ones lap, not shove to the collar.
* In the event that a piece of silverware is dropped, leave it there. Crawling under the table is not attractive.
Finally, you arrive at the dance. The music is perfect (loud and garbled), the glitter ball is spinning and the room is hotter than a Turkish bath.
To make this a time to remember, Lola has a few suggestions:
* Girls, dancing wildly is a definite no-no if you’ve chosen to wear a strapless dress. The results could be extremely embarrassing.
* If your corsage or boutonniere becomes crushed due to slow dancing, do not try to revive it by pouring water on it.
* When nature calls, and it will, politely excuse yourself. Do not announce your intentions. Saying “I gotta go to the head” is not appropriate.
* The worst thing that can happen to a person is to trip and fall in public. If this happens to you, immediately feign unconsciousness. This is less embarrassing than trying to get up again.
Alas the dance is over and you’re on your way home. Boys, please do not suggest to your date that you stop at Zip-In for a couple of sixers. This shows little class.
Now comes the most difficult moment of the evening, the good-night kiss. If you go about it right, it can also be the best moment:
* Don’t bump noses.
* No stepping on toes, please.
* Giggling can make a person very uncomfortable, especially after the kiss.
* Most importantly, at the conclusion of the kiss, do not offer your date a Certs. Just grin and bear it.
Following these tips, Lola assured me, can make homecoming the most enjoyable event of the year. If you choose not to follow them, you’re on your own kiddo!
Well, that was somewhat painful. Apparently I wasn’t the enlightened destroyer of gender stereotypes that I thought I was. But I did fight against censorship and for my first amendment rights as a journalist. Believe it or not, Lola was considered controversial and inappropriate, and getting each one into the paper was something of a battle.
I hope you enjoyed your trip to 1981 and that all the shoulder pads, crispy overly hair-sprayed hair and Members Only jackets weren’t too disturbing. Maybe next week I’ll give you all a peek at my 7th grade diary …