Monkey Business

August 12, 2013 — 17 Comments

I blog hoping to be read. In that respect I don’t think I’m different from any of you. Or, maybe I am. Maybe some of you write simply for the joy of it and, knowing that hard-drives crash and journals spontaneously combust, choose to launch your work out into the safety of the blogosphere where no such calamity can befall it.

I, however, am a slave to praise and recognition. I carefully consider my topics. Are they funny or thought provoking? Will my readers Like the post and leave Comments? Or will it languish unacknowledged, whispering everybody hates me until I can bury it and hide my shame under newer posts?

I vary what I write – things about my personal life, short stories, observational pieces, and serious lesbian issues. And yes, I do consider the fact that I write about my love of soccer-moms, read blogs written by lonely, confused and/or closeted soccer-moms, yet continue to sit home night after night, alone and soccer-mom-less, a serious lesbian issue.

And here’s where we get to the main point – to insure each post is visible under the appropriate Topics in the Reader, and in the hopes that my posts might be discovered by search engines, I carefully categorize and tag each one. But when I go into the Stats to see which of my posts has received the most views, aside from the one that was Freshly Pressed (oh, you didn’t know? well, if you must read it, it’s here; but please, don’t feel obligated …), I find that it’s the one about the monkey porn.

What? you ask, scanning my past posts. I don’t see anything about monkey porn.0020 Traffic 2

And you won’t. It’s called Seen Any Good Monkey Porn Lately and I wrote it for a previous blog, then dragged it over here when I started Pucker Up, Buttercup and felt the need to fill it’s initial emptiness. You’ll find it up on my Blogs Gone By page.

Or, according on the data in my Stats, like hundreds and hundreds of others, you can go out to your search engine of choice and type in some version of monkey porn or monkey sex; or pretty much just pound your fingers around the m-o-n-k-e-y p-o-r-n keys, because it seems spelling isn’t terribly important (searches including mankey, monke, mongki, monket, and mournkey all scored hits), and you’ll find the post.

If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that I’m open-minded about sex. I like to think of myself as a “whatever trips your trigger”, “fuck and let fuck” kind of gal. I wrote a post about monkey porn, which was prompted by a YouTube video of a primate violating a frog … which I watched. And to research said post, I followed level after level of monkey-on-monkey and monkey-on-anything/everything related videos – so I’m trying not to be judgmental. But based on the things people are searching for, I’ve concluded that there is some weird-ass shit going on out there.

One hundred and ninety-one search term have been used to find my blog and 83 of those involve a reference to primates and something related to sex or porn. Some are variations on a theme (e.g. monkey blowjob, blow a monkey, monkey suck porn), while others are quite unique, and sometimes disturbingly so. An alarming number of searches are for “monkey rapes something,” with the most targeted animal being a goat. A goat! How does domesticated livestock even find itself in close enough proximity to a tree-dwelling jungle creature to become the victim of sexual assault? Are not even our barnyards safe anymore? What’s next, petting zoos?

In ascending order, my top 10 hits overall are:

  1. monkey porn
  2. jo polniaczek gay
  3. monkeys porn
  4. monkey sex
  5. monky porn
  6. monkey sex porn
  7. monkeyporn
  8. amateur porn
  9. primate porn
  10. lesbian monkey porn

Hey! Cheer up, little buckaroo, you say. At least people are finding Say It Ain’t So Jo! The 2nd highest search term is for the feisty, almost-a-lesbian ’80s icon. *sigh* I wish I could be as optimistic as you, but what I didn’t show you are the numbers. The number-one search term has been used 523 times. And the search for Jo? 15 times. Do you know what percentage of 523 fifteen is? No? Me neither. That’s math, and I don’t do that anymore. But I’m willing to bet it’s small.

My Freshly Pressed post has almost 1,900 all-time views, my Home Page is the next most viewed, and running a close 3rd is Monkey Porn with 1,100. To add a little perspective, the next in line has 272 views. Despite following all the advice and standard rules about increasing traffic – sharing my posts on Facebook, using appropriate tags, commenting on and linking to other blogs, etc., a dusty, recycled post that I’ve mostly forgotten about gets more visitors that almost any other on my blog.

So what does that tell us? Well, if you want to attract more attention, you can continue doing all of the above, cross your fingers and hope for the best; or, you can just put a fucking monkey in your post.

17 responses to Monkey Business

  1. 

    So, that’s another way you’ve made me feel inadequate and unneeded. My biggest day was 71 views, and that was while you were hibernating. 😉

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  2. 

    I wanted to stop by and thank you for the likes and the follow. After reading about your disappointment with your stats, I automatically feel like I’m doing something wrong with an average of 15-20 views each day. Then I remembered that my blog is indeed a personal journal of sorts and “just for fun” … I have nothing constructive to say, except thank you for adding intelligent, funny and well-written pieces to the blogosphere.. and congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!!!!! Even as a just for fun blogger, I still fantasize about that kind of honor 🙂

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    • 

      It’s not that I’m disappointed with my stats, I’m happy that anyone finds me – I just think it would be nice if the search terms were more along the lines of “delightfully witty lesbian blogger” rather than “naughty monkey schoolgirls.” As a fellow just-for-fun blogger, being FPed was a total surprised and one of the coolest things that’s ever happened to me … Many thanks for the congrats and kind words! I look forward to being one of your faithful followers.

      Like

  3. 

    Sound advice – sex sells but sex with a chimp?

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  4. 

    God bless the internet!! And monkeys!

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  5. 

    I love your blog! I think you write how you talk, and I love the honesty in your “voice.” I didn’t find you under anything related to the fornication of monkey’s, but now I’m tempted to type it into Google! 🙂 To answer your original question, I think I started writing with the hopes that I would be read. I wanted to share my views with others and hear about what they thought as well (of course secretly hoping that everyone would adamantly agree with me!). Although I still encourage my few little readers to comment and such, I think I have continued to write because my topic is one that I don’t have support for. Writing is my avenue to vent the ideas that build up during life, and I don’t have to hear anyone else’s opinion until I’ve completed my thought (I’m a little controlling like that). Would I like a higher readership? Sure! Do I expect one…NOPE…and that’s okay.

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  6. 

    Oh man… I saw that same youtube clip of the monkey and the frog. I heard a little girl in the clip scream “WHYYYY???!” and I was thinking the same thing. WHHHHYYYY am I watching this?! WHYYYYY is that monkey doing that?!? WHHHHY is that frog even there?!?!?!

    For the record, the number one search term for my site is “Gay Fart Stories” and after that, “Gay Farts.” May not be as colourful as Lesbian Money Porn but hey, at least it helps me get readers.

    You’re a fabulous writer! I love your voice.

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    • 

      The version I saw was set to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up,” which saved me from hearing a young girl being traumatized by what she was seeing, but forever ruined a little bit of 80s pop music.

      And seriously? You’re going to say your #1 search term is “Gay Fart Stories” and not provide a link to your post that prompts its popularity, leaving me to imagine Neil Patrick Harris with rainbows shooting out of his ass?

      Thank you! At the risk of sounding all mutually-admiring, I’m a fan of your work too!

      Like

  7. 

    I even found you under mungee jumping!

    Like

  8. 

    Like you, I want views also, but I consider the minds of other people as vast, unknowable continents with inscrutable desires. So I just write whatever I feel like and hope for the best. It seems to work well enough.

    However, as in your case, the #1 search term that leads people to my site is for something I suspect is a bizarrely prurient interest. Not quite as bizarre as monkey porn. Not even close. But up there. The #1 search is for stress positions, and since I’ve written exactly one post on how immoral it is to use stress positions as an “enhanced interrogation technique,” people land there. But I suspect what they are really hoping for is how to use putting someone else in a stress position as a way to enhance their own sexual pleasure. Which is, honestly, just disgusting.

    This is followed by Andrew Borden. And then searches for gazelles.

    Go figure.

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    • 

      Like you, I tend to write about whatever strikes my fancy, figuring if I change things up I’ll have more appeal to a wider variety of people. I feel most validated when another blogger or writer finds and sticks with me, than with the thought of a random searcher from the vast internet universe who might bounce in and then back out, never to be seen or heard from again.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one getting the majority of their hits from searchers possibly looking for unique fetish porn. It would be interesting, or maybe frightening, to know how many more bloggers experience the same thing and what people are looking for on their blogs.

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      • 

        I’ve actually gotten more viewers by sticking to a regular topic. Whenever I go off on some tangent, views drop. Also, when I began to really focus on one thing, views began to steadily increase after a long period of flat stats. But different strategies may work for different types of blogs.

        Like

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