I know I’m arriving to the party late on this one. It’s a Facebook post that’s supposedly real and I’m going to go with that assumption. Although, the internet and social media being what they are, you can take it with a grain of salt or two if you choose. The post in question is dated September 22 (no year). So with today being August 1, 2019, (and excluding the possibility of time travel) that makes it at least a year old. It could be even older. I have no idea. Perhaps it’s been floating around for years and you’ll all be shaking your heads and going, “Seriously Baroness? This is the first time you’ve seen this?”

Anyway, it’s a rant from a woman whose trip to Disneyworld was ruined, absolutely RUINED (she made liberal use of all caps, so I thought I should follow along), by the presence of Millenials and childless couples — or, more specifically, childless women. But, I’ll let you read it for yourselves.

Now, if you found yourself nodding in agreement with the woman as you read along, you’re probably not going to like the rest of this post. Because, in my professional opinion, the lady is batshit crazy. I mean, even before you read something when you see such liberal use of CAPITAL LETTERS you can generally assess that batshit is about to ensue. And this woman does not disappoint.

The first thing I have to wonder is when she stopped going to Disneyworld. That is, let’s assume that she went as a guest of her parents when she was but a wee tot. Because that is allowed. But at some point, she must have reached an age where she was too old and too childless to be a proper guest of the Magic Kingdom, and had to procreate before she again felt like she had a valid claim on admittance to the happiest place on earth.

She’s also angry at the Millenials for buying useless crap because she wants to buy the useless crap for her child. Did the Millenials buy all the useless crap, leaving none for her precious little toddler? Because I’ve been to Disneyworld, and it would have to be overrun by rampaging hordes of useless crap buying Millenials to even put a dent in the amount of useless crap that Disney has available for its guests to purchase.

The next sentence just confuses me: THEY WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE THE EXHAUSTION THAT IT IS TO CHASE A 3 YEAR OLD AROUND AND GETTING STARES AT ASSUMING IM A BAD MOTHER!!!! To begin with, she is assuming because these crap-grabbing Millenials arrived at Disney sans child one day, they will never have children, and therefore, never experience child-chasing exhaustion. What she doesn’t stop to consider is perhaps having children is the next thing on their bucket list and they just wanted one last child-free trip to Disneyworld knowing for the next decade or so, all their visits will basically suck for them.

Is experiencing exhaustion and getting bad-mommy stares something childless people are supposed to envy? Am I supposed to be cruising unencumbered through amusement parks and county fairs, having the time of my life, only to be hit with soul-crushing despair at the sight of a haggard mom wearing a food-stained shirt, carrying everyone’s jackets, while trying to wrangle a swarm of little ones all hopped up on sugar and adrenaline? Because to be perfectly honest, I’m pretty sure that when that mommy is looking at me, she’s the one with envy in her eyes.

I’m also a little confused about the line for pretzels. Was the cunt in the very SLUTTY shorts taking an inordinate amount of time selecting her Mickey pretzel? If the line was very long, why is she zeroing in on that single TRAMP as the BITCH who made Aiden cry? Isn’t it really Mommy’s fault for not wanting to stand in the very long line?

And speaking of very long lines, if you have a CRANKY TIRED EXHAUSTED toddler, don’t stand in line for three hours! Because you know what makes toddlers cranky, tired and exhausted? Standing in fucking lines for three hours. The excuse that it’s “his vacation, too” is utter bullshit. If it’s his vacation, stick him in a stroller and wheel him around for a couple of hours looking at all the bright colors and funny characters. That’s about all a kid can take. Poor Aiden got stuck standing in line for three hours because Mommy wanted to go on a forty-five second ride.

Let’s get really real here: Disneyworld likes to say they’re in the business of making magic and memories. But they’re really in the business of raking in money hand over fist. And guess who has disposable income? People without little diaper-wearing money pits. Guess who doesn’t have money? Aiden. Because he’s three! Does she really think her call to ban childless people from Disney is going to go anywhere? Sure, Disney wants the parents who are going to buy their kids knick-knacks and trinkets, but they really want the adults who don’t have anything better to do with their money than spend it on themselves.

You may have different ideas, but my take on why Angry Mom hates childless women with a BURNING PASSION is that she is bitter and jealous. She exhausted running after a toddler, stuck in long lines with a cranky three-year-old, dealing with a no-pretzel meltdown, she can’t throw away money on what she wants and her post-baby body is no longer in slutty shorts shape. She hates them because she’s no longer one of them and she can’t stand seeing the reminders everywhere she looks.

I’m not a huge fan of Disney, but I do think there’s something to be said for seeing it through the eyes of a little kid. They are pretty impressed and awe-struck by the place. It’s a shame Angry Mom was so focused on her hate and rage that she seemed to overlook the best part of her visit to the park: Aiden’s reaction. She missed all the real magic the Magic Kingdom has to offer.