The Adventures of Raspberry Sassafras

January 13, 2016 — Leave a comment

The world is an a1452741468406mazing place, full of mystery and wonder. Or at least, it used to be mysterious until Google came along and gave us the ability to get answers to every question that pops into our little heads. When I was a kid, we just lived with not knowing things. Did Mikey from the Life cereal commercials really die after washing down Pop Rocks with a Coke, causing him to explode? The popular opinion at my grade school was that an explosive junk-food death did occur, but the deceased was Rodney Allen Rippy, the kid whose Jumbo Jack was too big to eat.

But while we can now instantly find “the guy who was in that movie about that thing, I think Christopher Walken was in it too,” there are still universal questions that even Google can’t answer … What is the meaning of life? What happens to us when we die? and, of course, Can a sarcastic lesbian with a NSFW pseudonym write a children’s book? Or more specifically, a children’s book you’d actually allow your child to read …

At this point, the answer is a resounding maybe.

The ability to write something wasn’t the hard part. As someone who so routinely invents answers, facts and figures that my nephews awarded me the title of Even A Bigger Liar Than Grandpa, fabricating characters and situations is pretty much second nature. But the question of “will anyone read it?” remains to be answered.

Just to be clear, Raspberry Sassafras isn’t a story that’s been published, purchased, considered by or even sent to anyone who knows anything about children’s books. It’s an ebook I’m offering on Fiverr.com with the hook being that I’ll customize the text and illustrations to make the buyer’s chosen child one of the main characters in the story.

I’m not going to ask that people here read and comment on or critique the story … my ego may be huge, but it’s also fragile and may not survive any negative reviews. But if there’s a child in your life who you’re willing to subject to being featured in an untested, unvetted story by someone with exactly zero credentials in the world of children’s book, you might want to pop over to my Fiverr page and take a look at what I’m offering.

And if you’re on the fence about letting your kid be used in my experiment, I can always customize the story to be about an adult whose psyche you’re somewhat less concerned with.

Shamelessly plugging my little story is beginning to make me somewhat uncomfortable, so I’ll stop now and let you return to more important things. Thank you for your indulgence.

*Update: Since posting this I’ve moved Raspberry Sassafras to Amazon.com and, unfortunately, I can’t offer personalization on books sold through Amazon. But, if you’d still like to get a custom story, please contact me and I’ll make sure you get one.

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