I blog hoping to be read. In that respect I don’t think I’m different from any of you. Or, maybe I am. Maybe some of you write simply for the joy of it and, knowing that hard-drives crash and journals spontaneously combust, choose to launch your work out into the safety of the blogosphere where no such calamity can befall it.
I, however, am a slave to praise and recognition. I carefully consider my topics. Are they funny or thought provoking? Will my readers Like the post and leave Comments? Or will it languish unacknowledged, whispering everybody hates me until I can bury it and hide my shame under newer posts?
I vary what I write – things about my personal life, short stories, observational pieces, and serious lesbian issues. And yes, I do consider the fact that I write about my love of soccer-moms, read blogs written by lonely, confused and/or closeted soccer-moms, yet continue to sit home night after night, alone and soccer-mom-less, a serious lesbian issue.
And here’s where we get to the main point – to insure each post is visible under the appropriate Topics in the Reader, and in the hopes that my posts might be discovered by search engines, I carefully categorize and tag each one. But when I go into the Stats to see which of my posts has received the most views, aside from the one that was Freshly Pressed (oh, you didn’t know? well, if you must read it, it’s here; but please, don’t feel obligated …), I find that it’s the one about the monkey porn.
And you won’t. It’s called Seen Any Good Monkey Porn Lately and I wrote it for a previous blog, then dragged it over here when I started Pucker Up, Buttercup and felt the need to fill it’s initial emptiness. You’ll find it up on my Blogs Gone By page.
Or, according on the data in my Stats, like hundreds and hundreds of others, you can go out to your search engine of choice and type in some version of monkey porn or monkey sex; or pretty much just pound your fingers around the m-o-n-k-e-y p-o-r-n keys, because it seems spelling isn’t terribly important (searches including mankey, monke, mongki, monket, and mournkey all scored hits), and you’ll find the post.
If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that I’m open-minded about sex. I like to think of myself as a “whatever trips your trigger”, “fuck and let fuck” kind of gal. I wrote a post about monkey porn, which was prompted by a YouTube video of a primate violating a frog … which I watched. And to research said post, I followed level after level of monkey-on-monkey and monkey-on-anything/everything related videos – so I’m trying not to be judgmental. But based on the things people are searching for, I’ve concluded that there is some weird-ass shit going on out there.
One hundred and ninety-one search term have been used to find my blog and 83 of those involve a reference to primates and something related to sex or porn. Some are variations on a theme (e.g. monkey blowjob, blow a monkey, monkey suck porn), while others are quite unique, and sometimes disturbingly so. An alarming number of searches are for “monkey rapes something,” with the most targeted animal being a goat. A goat! How does domesticated livestock even find itself in close enough proximity to a tree-dwelling jungle creature to become the victim of sexual assault? Are not even our barnyards safe anymore? What’s next, petting zoos?
In ascending order, my top 10 hits overall are:
- monkey porn
- jo polniaczek gay
- monkeys porn
- monkey sex
- monky porn
- monkey sex porn
- amateur porn
- primate porn
- lesbian monkey porn
Hey! Cheer up, little buckaroo, you say. At least people are finding Say It Ain’t So Jo! The 2nd highest search term is for the feisty, almost-a-lesbian ’80s icon. *sigh* I wish I could be as optimistic as you, but what I didn’t show you are the numbers. The number-one search term has been used 523 times. And the search for Jo? 15 times. Do you know what percentage of 523 fifteen is? No? Me neither. That’s math, and I don’t do that anymore. But I’m willing to bet it’s small.
My Freshly Pressed post has almost 1,900 all-time views, my Home Page is the next most viewed, and running a close 3rd is Monkey Porn with 1,100. To add a little perspective, the next in line has 272 views. Despite following all the advice and standard rules about increasing traffic – sharing my posts on Facebook, using appropriate tags, commenting on and linking to other blogs, etc., a dusty, recycled post that I’ve mostly forgotten about gets more visitors that almost any other on my blog.
So what does that tell us? Well, if you want to attract more attention, you can continue doing all of the above, cross your fingers and hope for the best; or, you can just put a fucking monkey in your post.