I don’t want to cast aspersions on the entire heterosexual male population. When I say I’m a lesbian, most take the news in stride and not as an affront, challenge or invitation. These men are mature, emotionally secure and understand that, like the WWF, porn is fake.
There are others, however, who react in a decidedly different manner, which seems due, at least in part, to some type of shared stupidity. I say this because for as long as I’ve been out, whenever I tell this type of man that I’m a lesbian, almost without exception I’m met with some variation of one of the same ridiculous, predictable responses.
While it’s impossible to say if these uncannily consistent reactions are genetic in nature or perhaps the result of some other factors — upbringing, education, brain parasites, it is apparent that they’re organized around two central themes:
1) bewilderment that all women, including lesbians, aren’t as fascinated by and enamored with their penis as they are
2) belief that when lesbians have sex they’re just killing time and hoping that a man shows up
So with that in mind, and without further ado, I present (in no particular order) my list of 10 Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Them I’m A Lesbian
- Are you sure? – Not really. This could just be a little phase I’ve been going through since I was born.
- That’s because you haven’t been with the right man yet. / I bet I could change your mind. – I’m sorry to inform you that your penis is not a lesbianism-deactivating magic wand. I wouldn’t be surprised, however, if it had some lesbianism-activating influence over straight women.
- What a waste. – Why thank you! I take it as a real compliment that you obviously feel my entire reason for being is to have sex with men, and the fact that I don’t makes my existence meaningless.
- You’re too pretty/feminine to be a lesbian. – Contrary to what you may think, feminine women are not immune from lesbianism. I know you’re confused when someone you find attractive doesn’t want to have sex with you, but remember that this phenomenon is not limited to lesbians — most straight women don’t want to have sex with you either.
- Maybe I could join you two sometime??? – Absolutely!! When we’re having sex we often stop mid-cunnilingus and say, “Damn, wouldn’t some penis be great right about now?” And FYI, the porn you watch has been lying to you. If you ever somehow convince two women to have a threesome with you, unless said women are paid professionals, you and your magnificent manhood will not be the center of attention. Instead, you will find yourself relegated to the role of spectator or worse, out on the couch channel surfing while the women go at it like drunken teens at the Isle of Sappho high-school prom.
- I can eat pussy better than any lesbian. – 1) Ewwwww!, 2) Bwahahaha! and 3) to quote Senator Lloyd Bentsen, and I may be paraphrasing here, “I’ve slept with lesbians. I know lesbians. Lesbians are friends of mine. Dude, you are no lesbian.”
- That’s okay, I love lesbians! – Whew! I was really worried that my lesbianism wouldn’t be okay with you. Thanks for validating my sexual orientation! Also, I know that when you say “I love lesbians” rather than expressing knowledge of, or concern for, lesbian culture and issues, what you actually mean is that you enjoy watching, and frequently masturbate to, girl-on-girl porn. But that’s okay, I love misogynistic douchetards!
- I’m a lesbian, too. I’m just trapped in a man’s body. – Wait, what? OH! Now I get it! Because even though you’re a man, you like women; so inside it’s like you’re a lesbian … Just.Like.I.AM! Oh my God, that is so funny! Did you think of it all by yourself? You are so clever and original! I wonder if any of the other lesbians have ever heard that joke? I can scarcely quell my desire to rip off my clothes and fuck your inner-lesbian senseless! yawns, rolls eyes, walks away
- I have excellent oral skills. I can go down on a woman for hours. – Has it ever occurred to you that if your skills were as excellent as you claim, it wouldn’t take you hours? I’m just sayin’…
- When did you decide to become a lesbian? – About twelve minutes ago when you came over here and started talking to me.
Three Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Them What They Just Said Is On My List Of 10 Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Then I’m A Lesbian
While putting this list together I’ve come across men obnoxious enough that I felt compelled to inform them that what they said was on my list of stupid things men say in response to learning that a woman is a lesbian (although rather than stupid, I may have used words like dickish or douchey depending on the man and the situation). And although there have been fewer occurrences over a shorter time period, true to form the reactions have been consistently similar:
- Lighten up, I was just trying to be funny. – 1) Grow up, 2) Epic FAIL! Saying any of these things is like motioning a woman over to you and when she arrives telling her, “I knew I could make you come with just one finger” — juvenile, overused and not funny on sooo many levels. Being funny is good, trying to be funny is fine; but you should try to be funnier than a horny teenage boy. Also, get some new material.
- I’ve said that to other lesbians and they didn’t get all offended. – Interesting. I’ve told another straight guys I’m a lesbian and they didn’t leer and say skeevy things that make me want to run home and take a Silkwood shower.
- Why do you hate men so much? – I don’t hate men. I like a lot of men, some of whom I also love. I don’t find men repellent or disgusting, nor do I view them as the enemy. There are plenty of men I find attractive (no, not you), but I am not attracted to them. I dislike men who view me, my relationships and my sexuality as something pervy and nothing more than fodder for their spank bank. If I don’t like you it’s not because you have a dick, it’s because you’re being a dick.
So ladies, how did I do? Are these the same things you hear, and how do you respond? What have you heard that isn’t on my list? And how about the guys, ever uttered one of these little gems? Which one, and what the hell were you thinking? Seriously though, I’m not mad. I just want to help you … admitting you have a problem is the first step.