by Baroness Buttercup

10 Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Them I’m A Lesbian

0010 Ten Stupid ThingsI don’t want to cast aspersions on the entire heterosexual male population. When I say I’m a lesbian, most take the news in stride and not as an affront, challenge or invitation. These men are mature, emotionally secure and understand that, like the WWF, porn is fake.

There are others, however, who react in a decidedly different manner, which seems due, at least in part, to some type of shared stupidity. I say this because for as long as I’ve been out, whenever I tell this type of man that I’m a lesbian, almost without exception I’m met with some variation of one of the same ridiculous, predictable responses.

While it’s impossible to say if these uncannily consistent reactions are genetic in nature or perhaps the result of some other factors — upbringing, education, brain parasites, it is apparent that they’re organized around two central themes:

1) bewilderment that all women, including lesbians, aren’t as fascinated by and enamored with their penis as they are

2) belief that when lesbians have sex they’re just killing time and hoping that a man shows up

So with that in mind, and without further ado, I present (in no particular order) my list of 10 Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Them I’m A Lesbian

  • Are you sure? – Not really. This could just be a little phase I’ve been going through since I was born.
  • That’s because you haven’t been with the right man yet. / I bet I could change your mind. – I’m sorry to inform you that your penis is not a lesbianism-deactivating magic wand. I wouldn’t be surprised, however, if it had some lesbianism-activating influence over straight women.
  • What a waste. – Why thank you! I take it as a real compliment that you obviously feel my entire reason for being is to have sex with men, and the fact that I don’t makes my existence meaningless.
  • You’re too pretty/feminine to be a lesbian. – Contrary to what you may think, feminine women are not immune from lesbianism. I know you’re confused when someone you find attractive doesn’t want to have sex with you, but remember that this phenomenon is not limited to lesbians — most straight women don’t want to have sex with you either.
  • Maybe I could join you two sometime??? – Absolutely!! When we’re having sex we often stop mid-cunnilingus and say, “Damn, wouldn’t some penis be great right about now?” And FYI, the porn you watch has been lying to you. If you ever somehow convince two women to have a threesome with you, unless said women are paid professionals, you and your magnificent manhood will not be the center of attention. Instead, you will find yourself relegated to the role of spectator or worse, out on the couch channel surfing while the women go at it like drunken teens at the Isle of Sappho high-school prom.
  • I can eat pussy better than any lesbian. – 1) Ewwwww!, 2) Bwahahaha! and 3) to quote Senator Lloyd Bentsen, and I may be paraphrasing here, “I’ve slept with lesbians. I know lesbians. Lesbians are friends of mine. Dude, you are no lesbian.”
  • That’s okay, I love lesbians! – Whew! I was really worried that my lesbianism wouldn’t be okay with you. Thanks for validating my sexual orientation! Also, I know that when you say “I love lesbians” rather than expressing knowledge of, or concern for, lesbian culture and issues, what you actually mean is that you enjoy watching, and frequently masturbate to, girl-on-girl porn. But that’s okay, I love misogynistic douchetards!
  • I’m a lesbian, too. I’m just trapped in a man’s body. – Wait, what? OH! Now I get it! Because even though you’re a man, you like women; so inside it’s like you’re a lesbian … Just.Like.I.AM! Oh my God, that is so funny! Did you think of it all by yourself? You are so clever and original! I wonder if any of the other lesbians have ever heard that joke? I can scarcely quell my desire to rip off my clothes and fuck your inner-lesbian senseless! yawns, rolls eyes, walks away
  • I have excellent oral skills. I can go down on a woman for hours. – Has it ever occurred to you that if your skills were as excellent as you claim, it wouldn’t take you hours? I’m just sayin’…
  • When did you decide to become a lesbian? – About twelve minutes ago when you came over here and started talking to me.

Three Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Them What They Just Said Is On My List Of 10 Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Then I’m A Lesbian

While putting this list together I’ve come across men obnoxious enough that I felt compelled to inform them that what they said was on my list of stupid things men say in response to learning that a woman is a lesbian (although rather than stupid, I may have used words like dickish or douchey depending on the man and the situation). And although there have been fewer occurrences over a shorter time period, true to form the reactions have been consistently similar:

  • Lighten up, I was just trying to be funny. – 1) Grow up, 2) Epic FAIL! Saying any of these things is like motioning a woman over to you and when she arrives telling her, “I knew I could make you come with just one finger” — juvenile, overused and not funny on sooo many levels. Being funny is good, trying to be funny is fine; but you should try to be funnier than a horny teenage boy. Also, get some new material.
  • I’ve said that to other lesbians and they didn’t get all offended. – Interesting. I’ve told another straight guys I’m a lesbian and they didn’t leer and say skeevy things that make me want to run home and take a Silkwood shower.
  • Why do you hate men so much? – I don’t hate men. I like a lot of men, some of whom I also love. I don’t find men repellent or disgusting, nor do I view them as the enemy. There are plenty of men I find attractive (no, not you), but I am not attracted to them. I dislike men who view me, my relationships and my sexuality as something pervy and nothing more than fodder for their spank bank. If I don’t like you it’s not because you have a dick, it’s because you’re being a dick.

So ladies, how did I do? Are these the same things you hear, and how do you respond? What have you heard that isn’t on my list? And how about the guys, ever uttered one of these little gems? Which one, and what the hell were you thinking? Seriously though, I’m not mad. I just want to help you … admitting you have a problem is the first step.

34 Comments

  2. clicked to this after reading “J’accuse!” – you are fucking hilarious! best laugh i’ve had in a week…
    also love “Sarah Silverman” (not that you asked)
    ps. i’m a straight guy (“that’s allowed…”) and you’re still fucking hilarious!

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  3. […] a little more site traffic couldn’t hurt, I purchased the Gig and sent the promoter a link to The Ten Stupid Things Straight Men Say When I Tell Them I’m A Lesbian. It’s fluff, it’s fun, it’s lighthearted and, I think, a decent representation of […]

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  5. YES let’s all hate men together shall we!
    MOST of what the author wrote sounds like legitimate douchebaggery, but all you dolts commenting are acting as if this is just the “average male”.
    This sounds less like a proper sampling of the male population and more like said “lesbian” just hangs out with a bunch of swagfags filled with asshole instead of brain matter.

    And excuse me if I’m in the minority, but “I’m a lesbian too, trapped in a man’s body” is not an outright pick up line, it most likely is just a dumb, innuendo-less joke that the author likely looked into with the determination of finding an offensive statement. I’ve said things to that effect regarding race as opposed to sexual orientation and so far no one has gone on a baseless internets rant over it; I dont understand why someone joking about being a lesbian (when they obviously are not) is any more offensive than someone joking about being white/black/hispanic/Santa Claus/a piece of wood (when they obviously are not).

    Ok, so you can all go back to devoting hours of your lives writing about how much you hate all these penises you don’t care about.

    I’ll go back to enjoying a grilled cheese sandwich 😀

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    1. If you use a term like “swagfag”, you ‘re not much better than the douchebags under discussion.

      And the “lesbian in a male body” bit is fucking stupid, regardless of whether it’s a pick-up line or a joke. It’s a pathetic, clueless, wanna-be, try-hard move like claiming that you understand the plight of native peoples because you’re 1/256th Hopi or that you’re down with the street because your great-great-great grandmother might have been black. It impresses no one, and just makes you look like a complete tool.

      Finally: just because no one’s bothered to complain about your bullshit doesn’t mean it isn’t bullshit. I’m willing to bet a good number of people just quietly write you off once you start with your “hilarious” racial jokes. And your whining about “penis hate” because you’re so easily offended by anything that doesn’t bow and scrape to your gender.

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  9. Thank you for introducing me to the term “Silkwood shower.”

    “Wait, that’s your takeaway from this post?” she asks.

    No, I really liked it all around, but that line made me laugh. Congrats on getting FPed, by the way.

    “Thank you. I hope you’ll stop by again.”

    Oh, I will.

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    1. Thank you for getting the term “Silkwood shower.” Sometimes I wonder if I’m dipping a little too far back in my pop-culture reservoir … it’s good to know that one still makes sense at least to some people.

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  14. Damn! *scratches “lesbian in man’s body” joke off pick-up line list.* 😉

    New dumb straight guy rejoinder: “So how long were you at Smith, Wellesley, or other Seven Sister college?”

    Good post!

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  17. Gawd, that’s awful! However, I laughed out loud at this- mostly out of disbelief by the male populations *ahem* ‘sentiments’… They remind me of that pervy Uncle Bob that everyone has- the one who gropes his own family members- ewwwwww.

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  19. I am pissed off for you. Men really do think with their dicks huh? I would say you should say “UHHHHHHH, fuck you very much” and walk away. Douches. 😦

    HAHHAHHAHA I can go down on a woman for hours… really?! Is she happy after, because like you said it really shouldn’t take that long.

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    1. I remember how my chin and cheeks would sometimes end-up feeling raw and irritated from a boy’s razor stubble after an extended make-out session. I can only imagine that after being gone down upon by a man for hours one’s vagina would probably feel as though someone had taken a belt-sander to it. So while I don’t know for sure, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say no, she would not be happy after. Also, she would walk funny.

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      1. I have never ever thought of that before, that sounds horrible (clearly never been in that situation). I had a friend once that made out with a guy for an entire night, and his stubble cut up her face. She looked like an entirely different person with horrible horrible acne, I asked her if she was ok and she just laughed like it was normal that her face was coming apart. If your hair is that freaking sharp it’s time to shave, thanks.

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